Abuse is one of those horrible things that permeate everything in life; mine, his, ours… and when the repercussions rear their heads everyone gets hurt. We are thoroughly blessed to have the most amazing team around us, and have been unpacking layers of the onion for so long that it is hard to fathom now just how bad it used to be. We have a better, safer language now, we have dealt with some of the trauma and their sources, there has been rewiring done, and lessons learned… and deeper and deeper we go, and then almost out of nowhere we get close to the source.. and it hurts… it hurts like hell, and no one wants to look at it, face it, unpack it.
And so we run away… I run away from mine, or he runs away from his, and we hurt each other as we do so, as we try to protect ourselves, and rebuild that solid rock wall around us only to protect ourselves… but hurt the ones we do love.
But we can only do that so often and for so long… and eventually it comes the time to do what all this unpacking of the onion has been for in the first place, all the head room that has been created, each of the mechanisms to surround him in safety put into place. The preparation, the skills, the tools… and now we are here, and it is frightening. It feels like it came out of absolutely nowhere and yet we have been preparing for this for exactly 4 years now. We didn’t know that it would be now, all we knew was that it would be somewhere only a little bit under around 5 years, depending on how it went.
It wasn’t going to be nearly that long for us, we were the special ones that were going to do this so well that it wouldn’t take so long. But nothing could have prepared us for the pain of all those walls coming down, the fear and heartache and damage that it would unearth… the close calls, the danger, the risks…
But here we are and we are as ready as we will ever be … but wait! First we have to get through the week ahead. So many meetings and deadlines and work stuff that means that we won’t be going anywhere near the centre of the onion for about 10 days. We have to hold our breath, put on our masks, and be the best “normal” we can be.. we have to entertain and be warm and genuine and sweet. These are lovely people and this has been planned for months and an enormous amount is riding on it. It will already stretch me to my broken physical limits, but now it is also going to stretch me to my emotional limits.
Inside I am angry that we have to even do this. How could a parent do such a thing to a child? I get that we are all broken and we are all products of our own environment and family-of-origin, but some how the deliberate stuff I just can’t get how a mother could do such a thing… but I have to park all of that. I am so depleted and Mondays are supposed to be my rest and heal my body day, but instead I will be out the entire day doing all the right things…
And so we wear the mask this week, the week we feel least able to in a long time. But we can do this, and I can vent quietly and survive. I am so thankful for my on-line support and that we are not entirely alone in this!!! Carry me through this week please peeps!