Transparency Sucks!

“Say it out loud” they say, “Be real” they say, “Be transparent” they say… And all those comments sit so well with my soul. Yes please I said, I’ll shout it from the treetops I said!

I hate wearing a mask, I hate pretending that I’m not broken, body and soul, … and every time I bear my soul, or I say it how it is, or a show my wounds, I am so encouraged by the support that I get… and it feels validating for me, helpful to others, and totally natural….

But for every measure of those things, comes an equal measure of mud. I might be shaking off the masks, and yes, that requires some strength, …but don’t over estimate me, maybe I’m shaking them off because I feel that I have no choice.. Maybe I feel that I have less to lose and more to gain than others? Maybe I’m not that brave at all…

But don’t forget those masks, and what I’m trying to reveal to the world, is the frightened, abused, squashed, trampled, voiceless little girl inside …and she isn’t so robust and nor is she immune to the criticism that comes from others, who think that I should keep wearing  my masks forever to make them feel more comfortable.

Most of them don’t mean it, … I know that it’s their own fears or hurts or lack of strength or robustness that is behind them feeling threatened. And for many of them their masks are survival techniques which keep them safe, contained, secure, and that for them to drop them would be catastrophic (don’t underestimate that, some only think that it will be catastrophic but for many it actually would be)…

We all have different journeys to walk and different timings too. And so my timing may well be different to yours. I am by no means a trail blazer, I take great strength and confidence from those who walk this journey waaaay ahead of me. And for those behind me on their journeys, I want to be the strong one for them. But being real also means being honest and being honest means telling the truth, and telling the means that I have to admit that being transparent comes with criticism and judgement… And a lot of it, …and often from where you least expect it!

About 6 years ago I found a book lying around somewhere and the title jumped out at me. I ignored it, but the same thing happened a few times over, and eventually I borrowed it reluctantly. It was called “I Quit” by Geri Scazzero. I was determined that I was not a quitter and so it wasn’t a book for me! …But I had it’s meaning all wrong and once I started reading it I couldn’t put it down. It was life changing for me, …and she warns that if you want to be real, honest, and transparent then expect a cyclone to occur in every corner of your life and relationships.

Well she wasn’t kidding. NOTHING could have prepared me for how powerful, all consuming, and destructive that cyclone was (and still is)… Or that it would go on and on, and on …for so long. But I especially didn’t get that it would leave such a mess behind… Some of which would take years to clean up …plus other damage that would be permanent.

But she was 100% correct in that should you and your loved ones survive the storm, it would be oh so worth it! I can’t begin to explain how worth it it is!

… Even though on so many levels  ….it also sucks!


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