Self care is not simply what everyone else says it is. After I got it through my thick skull that self was not going to force me into a beauty salon, we started looking for other things.
One of my psychologists kept telling me to join a bookclub. Again, it did nothing but make me upset with him, and I after about the fourth time he suggested it I decided that if he did it again, I would tell him where to stick his suggestion (thankfully that was not necessary). I didn’t need more people in my life, I had lot of friends and colleagues and as an adult have always been a sociable person. But I had lived behind a mask of happiness all my life for no other reason that I did not have the words to express what was underneath to myself, never mind anyone else. And I desperately needed to get out from behind it.
I didn’t know how to do anything that was just for me, and when pushed to think of something the idea of meeting more people was exhausting, and I knew that I couldn’t walk into a room and say “Hi, I’m Jennifer and I am broken and scared and damaged goods, can I please be real with you?”. I’m pretty sure that I would not have been invited back again after that! I didn’t need more people I needed more ME.
So I decided to to confide my problem with a few trusted friends and the outcome (through no fault of theres) was the same as the psychologists. Everyone suggested what they find calming and soothing and they were all activity based.
- spend time in the kitchen
- go for a run
- phone a friend
- go away for the weekend
- have your hair done
- have your nails done
The lists were endless, but again they caused me anxiety, and made me feel more and more different, weird and strange compared to everyone else. I didn’t need a good girls night out, I cook for a large family every meal and I hated it, and my body couldn’t keep up with being on my feet in the kitchen never mind going for a run or a big night out. I have no doubt that they are great things for most other people to do, but for me I was spending too much time and energy trying to do what others do, instead of finding my own safe place and activities, but the problem was that I didn’t know where in my soul to look for it, as it had never been planted there in the first place.